buuuut this update is not about that. this update is about the fact that i had a bad day and sometimes i feel like i don't deal with those well.
so, let's be real here.
i am really tired of skinny people telling me all i need is confidence.
like, no, seriously. i feel like four or five posts went across my dash today of various beautiful, gorgeous, awesome people (emma stone, scarlett johanssen, etc) with quotes attached all basically summing up this one point: no matter what you look like, you should be confident because confidence is sexy no matter what!
and all i can say to that is fuck you. no, really. fuck you scarjo, you are - objectively speaking - one of the prettiest people living right now. you are tall and skinny and famous and funny and rich and smart and you have awesome boobs and a great ass - what in the WORLD do you know about my problems? there are mornings where i'm 99% sure that it takes about fourteen times the amount of confidence for me to get up and get dressed and go hang out with other humans than it does for you to do the same.
and then the response to criticism of celebrities is that they always get scrutinized wherever they go! it's not fair to say they don't have any problems! they have plenty! yada yada. of course they have problems but you don't think i'm scrutinized? you don't think that as i walk around going about my day that i see every fourth person looking at me and thinking "fat girl" - and nothing else? my fat is always going to be the first thing people see - that's never going to change, not unless i suddenly lose a hundred pounds or something (let's be real here, hah).
what i find frustrating is this demand on fat girls to be confidence. it's in every uplifting post i see, it's part of every piece of fatgrrl rhetoric i read - what if i don't have it in me to be confident that day? what if being fat just gets to me sometimes? what if i just get fucking tired - tired of having to be the one to move on the sidewalk to make room for the other people, tired of having to squish my arms in front of me or in back of me when i stand near people at party so it doesn't seem like i'm taking up more room than i should, tired of squishing my butt into airplane seats and classroom desks and pretending to be smaller than i am so i don't inconvenience the people around me, tired of being the one to say sorry when other people bump me because it's my fault i'm too big to manuever around, tired of paying 10-15 dollars more for clothes because of their labels, tired of my mom and dad making cruel-in-their-kindness comments about my weight? what right do you have to ask me to be confident when some days it's all i can do not to break down in a dressing room stall because they've changed the fit on my favorite jeans and now i have to go up two sizes just to get them to fit over my thighs? where do you get off telling me to be confident when asking that of me is the most difficult thing i could possibly try and do?
i try and be okay about my body and my weight because that's what people tell me is what i'm supposed to do. but sometimes i feel like i'm the only one trying to be positive and uplifting - sometimes it feels like the world really couldn't give a shit. and so why should i? why should i ever want to leave my room? why should i go out and buy clothes i like and that make me feel pretty when no one's going to care because i'm still fat? i just get so tired some times.
okay and let's be real, i love scarlett johannsen. i just would really like people like her to stop giving me advice on my life. i have days you couldn't even fathom in your wildest dreams, scarjo, days i wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
confidence isn't the problem. apparently my fatness is.